Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Who am I

Ok, specifically, who am I and what am I like. Am I an alpha, a beta, white, black? How do I feel about women, about sex?

First thing you might notice is that I am tall, over 6 feet. I've used this to my advantage my whole life. Second off, I am overweight. But I feel that I am strong and confident enough to downplay it. I have a bit of alpha and a bit of beta in me. The beta in me comes from having a social network completely based on my former social life. Changes I have made will take years to reverberate through my life - that's just the way it is. I've inherited a little bit of charm from my Dad. I actively avoided it for years, saying, "I will never be like Dad!" when my opinion of him was poisoned after the divorce. If I wasn't so afraid of being him, I would have had a better time of things. My lifelong self-label of rebel was truly beta - I struggled against The Man because I struggled against my nature. With acceptance does not come defeat; but rather, an understanding of how to play the game in the first place.

This means that I could have been a natural. This also means that I have a pretty good time impressing women, but my close is horrible. I get interest without even trying, hit the comfort zone, then, due to my programming, stay on the comfort kick until I became a trustworthy confidant. What I lacked was the push to my pull, the neg to my comfort.

I was needy. I didn't drop hints, I dropped lead weights. I spoke too plainly about sex and too fast, like I was some sort of creepy gynecologist. All of that is being stifled and shoved into a box. It's not who I really am, just like being an alpha is not who I really am. We mold ourselves every day into what we want. These are tools.

I've been told I'm good looking. I have a hard time understanding why. My Hot or Not pictures are all over 9.0, even as I approach 40. Or maybe because I approach 40? Or that I make good money? Or maybe I'm just handsome and don't know it. I don't like my beer gut. But apparently it matters a lot less than if I were a woman.

I wear glasses and have a goatee. I've sometimes been compared to Adam from Mythbusters. I keep my hair pretty darn short, though. I groom myself to metrosexual perfection. I still have a full, thick head of hair, and probably will for a long time. Yes, I am white. Pale and freckly, even, though this really isn't as much of a problem as the media makes you think.

I dress conservatively sharp. I often wear my business casual out on the town, precluding the need to go and change clothes after work. It fits my style.

I'm just now learning that commanding body language is not just for the boardroom. It is for everyone, everywhere. You can't put on a facade; this is what you have to be, all the time. So far, so good.

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